Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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