im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
