booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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