he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he thought i was a dude.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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