No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
