Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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