i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
