I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
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Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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