We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
