3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
