TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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