My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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