Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
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What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
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Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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