From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
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I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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