Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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