I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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