That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
