I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
