never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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