dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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