I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
