so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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