pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
