gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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