giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
