he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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