i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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