today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
