you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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