I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
