I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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