I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
