Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
