My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
