I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
