Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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