Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
