I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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