so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
