maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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