i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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