It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
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