Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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