had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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