i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
