Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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