Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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