first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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