How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
