Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
