You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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