Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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