We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
