Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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