Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"