WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
