i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
