she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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