Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team