I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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