I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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