I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
